5/10
new page, isn't that crazyyyyyyyyyy???????? yeaaa lolllll ive gotta add more stuff to it. ANYWAYS, dude my brain has been fried..............like straight up, dropped into a pit of HOT OIL without my skull to protect it. my brain is more fried than an HP's motherboard straight out the box, imagine the biggest druggie u know NOT EVEN THEYRE AS FRIED AS ME RIGHT NOW. i got bladee tickets and now im acting crazy. like m going to die if i dont see him today. this combined w me moving across the country = AWFUL its AWFUL. i mean i dont rly feel all that bad but god. god.........god. oh my god. pre concert depression, is that a thing? cause i feel it. anyways.........ive been reading a lot of literature lately, and i somehow still cannot bring myself to become an esoteric mysterious matcha drinker who is well versed in kafka. i mean. i love kafka. but u know the personalityim talking about right. a tumblr user who still somwhow thinks tumblr is too cringe to touch so they have to make it everyone elses problem?????????? yea. and i dont mean to be hateful but i hate those types of people its so fucking manufactured and fake BUT when u think about it EVERYTHING is manufactured and fake
if u think about how you are perceived to others before doing something......fake! its not you... ive been learning to... NOT do that. if someone is mad over something i say that means it made them think. and somehow them thinking makes them angry which i get it, id be angry if i was stupid as fuck and didnt realize that i could literally replace every phillosopher out there. speaking of, i saw a tiktok the other day of "THE DARKEST PHILOSOPHICAL BELIFSSS..." and honest to god it was all stuff i thought of in 1st grade and it stuck with me into adulthood. none of it is even that dark like are you seriously scared of the fact that no one really knows you because even if they dissect your brain they werent you??? you seriously didnt realize that when you were mad at your mom for not letting you get the new cooking mama for the ds game??? are we serious.
oh my god when i was like 12, my dad taught me how to shovel the driveway after a snow storm and i thought he was trying to kill me. im pretty sure i looked him in his face and wished for him to die when he was teeaching me to fend for myself and now i feel like an assshole. even tho im like 20 now. IM 20 IN 3 MONTHS. this is scary.......too serious of an age. and not to do that "23 year old teenage girl" bullshit that we all know and hate but WILL I EVER STOP BEING 16 YEARS OLD????????????????????????????????
my period is soon and i feel like im losing the last of my mind iim not joking. and seeing the clock tick closer to 20 is freaking me out. ever since i was a little girl i knew i wanted to look at 3 months from my birthday and feel the desire to jump off mount olympus in an effort to save myself. saving myself being falling into the sea and falling into a salamander and riding it into the coral reefs to see all the colors. and i feel like not many people understand me. ive been talking to my friend maria a lot and she makes me FEEL SO MUCH MORE SANE IMNOT JOKING like ill wake up with hatred and death brewing in the depths of my soul and she gets it because thats just how it is. as i write this theyre blowing up a fcucking copper mine outside my house right now as if its not 11 pm on a saturday like are we for real right now i have no god damn clue who is reading this probably some psychologist doing a study into the brain of a military brat who is daddy issues coded despite being best friends with her father. i remember when i was younger my friends insisted i had daddy issues because i wanted to fuck rappers double my age. honestly i can confirm its not daddy issues, infact the issue is probably me spending TOO MUCH TIME WITH MY DAD and HES A RAPPER. and finding him the coolest guy in the world. kinda. hes not that good at it bbut its kinda heat SORRY DAD IF U READ THIS. i really hope u wont oh my god DAD if i get famous and someone emails this to U IM SORRY ILY
all that to say i dont have daddy issues and IM TIRED OF THESE FALSE ALLEGATIONS

5/13
as i write this i am in tears. and i think ive finally decided to let you go now. its time for me to accept that you dont see me, you never will see me. and you'd probably be a little bit better off if you dont have to deal with me. our relationship isnt real to anyone who i dont know and idd like to think its real to you but i dont think thats the case :'-)i find myself. very upset by you and i feel really broken lately. i see you together and its like i cant breathe. ive vomited countless hours and ive lost so much sleep over you. i cant do it anymore. of course... i still love you.. but i think it is time for that to change , maybe...i will never be the same again. its been years and youve shaped me right into who i am but whatever the sayinng is... the whole love something set it free........if it doesnt come back it was never yours, or something. love is autonomy.....freeedom of will.. i cant force it. even if i want to . i will let myself free and i will let you aswell its really hard. i want to try more but you seem happy, i guess. you dont smile anymore and you look really depressed. you dont llook as bright as you did and you just seem sad. i hope i kept you warm for atleast a little while. ' i latched to you because i was a traumatized girl who doesnt even know the true meaning of care and love, i think..........i think you taught me how to really care! because even as i decidde this and proceed with a literal ritual,i really...reeally care! ive written you letters and ive drawn for you.....created things for hours at a time just foryou im even writing about you now but you make my heart feel so So sooooooooooooo blue! and a part of me loves that feeling but ive been wishing you dead lately. wishinf youd drop dead. that you both would and of course our past lives.........those were really nice. i wonder if three lives was just too many and now our fourth must be apart? it doesnt sound right. god is so cruel sometimes i hope you remember those lives someday. or something. its evil but part of me deeply hopes the little bit of warrmth you felt from me disipates forever and you feel that coldness again. ive been keeping you warm for years. maybe you just think its from somebody else but its from me.
ive watched you grow from a boy into the man you are!!!!!!!im really. really so very proud of youand. i will still be there cheering you on but not in the way i was going to initally. maybe its best if i dont get close enough to see your face :-) and maybe this is what you need.
im always proud of you...and im very sad. love you . id usually say forever but i hope the fuck not. love you. a little bit or something. dont know. love you. bye.

5/18
HAAAAAAAAHHA TALK ABOUT DRAMATICCC AMIII RITE????????????????????????? i was being a dramatic little bitch. i admit that. anyways. im feeling a lot better now, ive been up to a whole lot of nothing because moving is boring. i already packed everything but i cant spend any money on recreation until aftr i get to my new place. moving across the country TBH at first i was sad but turns out i have a lot more friends down east than i thought. im sad tho cos lily is up here, and i wont be as close to maria (canada) but its fine cos i can catch flights when i wanna hang... ummm what else. nothing else. i hid some pages on my site while i revamp some stuff and i should probably put a diclaimer on the main page that they didnt go anywhere, the pages still work, i just need to rework some stuff cos idk some of the pages look boring and certainly arent my best coding work :T ... THIS PAGE IS A BIT BORING TOO but at the end of the day its for my schizo rambles bc i cant bring myself to be serious on social media. i was thinkking of adding an art gallery but ill have to learn how to do a click to expand function + maybe a page for my original writings. i have one somewhere for fanfic but tbh i wanna pick up the book i was writing again... but i cant remember much and my old computer died. idont think it was rly me working on tha.....distant being far off inside of my brain.. just like most of the stories i write. i found old accounts of mine the other day and it feels weird saying it was me cos not really. there was a period of 4 years where i wasnt rly there except for occasionally. i dont think that makes much sense but it feels like i went to sleep for a long time and would open my eyes occasionally to listen to my fav music but otherwise i was drifting....asleep....a lot of my old accounts... dont remember them. found login info so it MUST be me, photos,,, must be me, but it wasnt me.. really. i sound insane I SWEAR IM NOT INSANE. i htink everyone has times like that maybe. years where u arent there and u let...someone else take the wheel. cause it gets stressful. i remember i stopped being all the way there in 2018, and now its 2025 and im here but theres such a huge gap in time and memory and sometimes i can briefly catch glimpses... but anyways' i wonder if thats why i have so many deviantart accounts xD i know i have a lot of them because of following a paper trail but seriously,, whoever was taking the front seat in my autopilot mind didnt even have the same interests as me wtf. like i look at my accounts from 2018, distincgtly me... but who tf was it from 2019-2023...????? id say its a normal part of getting older but most people i know just acccept they were different people at 13.. but like...clearly im still the same i was at 13 seriously my tumblr account still looks the same. im still the same. just skinnier. not even taller. i say all this here cos i dont want to be called mentally ill because ik i am but surely im just freaking myself out, maybe i was just...i dunno. but ""me"" not recognizing my favorite things for a period of 3 years certainly isnt normal and me not being able to remember a single person who i see MYSELF TALKING TO BACK THEN isnt normal. i remember everybody but i cant remember thoe from that 3 year gap. i use the same account on a platform and a lot of people are like "omg we were best friends" and i dont remember them. im sorry. but if we were id remember u. who are u ? i wont say it tho lol thatd be rude. because from what i can tell it was probably true but i dont remember or know. take their words for it.

5/21
i really feel weird. ive been thinking about (refer to last entry) the gaps in my memory and its freaking me out. like a lot. found old account of ""mine"" heavy quotes because i dont even think i can safely say that WAS me. like yes it was me but i feel so disconected from it that it doesnt feel right to say it. i (she for the sake of ease) was so much different than me. she didnt recognize my favorite people or things or even people who i talk to currently who she had contact with way back when . i dont know whats going on. i catch glimpses of who i was from time to time in late 2019 and all of 2020 but for the most part i was gone. id come to listen to my favorite music then seemingly go back to sleep.. and i had my own accounts and i can still get into them to this day (i just dont want to.) and i acted the way i do now. not the way SHE acted. and i dont know whats wrong. i feel like im going crazy??????????????
i cant tell anybody this because i am scared of what ill be told it is. i dont want it to be some weird mental illness that im unaware of i want to remain unaware even if it is. i dont think its a memory problem because i remember 2014-2018 so well, but once late 19 hit i wasnt me anymore. i was someone else and im moving right now and going through my stff and theres stuff that i never purchased STUFF I WOULD NEVER IN MY FUCKING LIFE PURCHASE. this isnt my style and its not my interest, a lot of it is stuff i hate and am known for hating. i threw it all away. im sad cos no one will ever understand, i was fully gone from 2019-2023. 2023 is when i truly came back to ME i am ME but frrom those 4 years i wasnt me. someone else. and i feel weird because sometimes her (my) friends will try to talk to me and i dont remeber them. my memory is golden and this is unusual as fuck, like i had friends online in 2020 but for the most part I WASNT THERE. I WAS ASLEEP. ASLEEP IN THE CREVICES OF MY BRAIN for years i thought i was dead. i remember the day i came to and my room was different and i dont know why the fuck i was using a name that was nowhere close to mine. im ALAINA. thats what i was born as and thats who i am. went by kitty for a while in 2016 but people widely accepted that it was a nickname
i just feel so confused and weird and alone. i dont want to tell anybody this. i dont want people to diagnose me with anything. dont fucking armchaiir me!!!!!! there has to be an explanation but it hrts my heart that she couldnt recognize my absolute favorite person in the whole world it feels like im betraying him even though it wasnt a big deal...........

6/20
long time no see. i just now finished getting settled into my new place, kinda. i still need a new desk but the other night my dad helped me build my bed! im not acclimating to the new climate that well. NC is actually the first place i lived after leaving germany and i still hate the weather as much as i did as a kid. i love the people but good lord, i took a shower today and got sweaty and gross literally 3 minutes later, while wearing clothes so thin you could practically see my whole body. thank god for deodorant. anyways, i was ruminating on school and anti intellectualism < i misspelled that for sure but this is a causal blog i dont care.
in 3rd grade i was on a 12th grade reading level. my school had a library which was shared with the highschoolers of the same district (i dont know why, but i guess it was a community library but for some reason it was laid out in a way where you had to enter my school first and then there was a door into the library) now, the library (my teachers) had a rule, if you could read 5 words off a page consecutively, you could check out a book. i had picked up a novel and i read 3 pages to the librarian who was already well aware of how i excelled in literature and she told me i couldnt check it out. when i asked why, i read 3 pages, she gave me a non answer, of the effect of "because i said so" and i think its insane how i was so smart that at some point my math homework was mmissed by my teachers in favor of MORE literature homework.
and someone completely uninvolved in my education felt like she had the right to say NO to something my teachers approved of. it still offends me that she took my novel and put a "i can read: third grade" labelled book in my hands. I WAS SO OFFENDED over that. thankfully, back then we had computer lab, basically a basic tech literacy class.. even in that class the teachers constantly tried dumbing me down when i showed basic understanding of stuff they didnt want me to know yet. i got scolded once for learning how to change the background color on an html site they taught us how to make(???? LOL?)
anyways, in that class i learned how to pirate things. i dont know how but i learned how to and somehow no one found out, so i was able to pirate books at home, and my parents loved to see me get smarter so they bought me any books i wanted.
it has me thinking about how its somehow normal to try to knock kids down a peg even in school, when the point of school is to learn. i think its backwards to keep a child at a lesser level just because YOU dont want them to learn. i read F451 way before it was even in my ciriculum and i think thats why im the way i am about books. i had thoughts on books being banned before i even learned books COULD be banned in the first place. "get smarter" your teachers plead, but once they see you getting smart, suddenly theres a problem. its insane. i was eating exclusively with my teachers in the break rooms and not in the caffeteria at some point, i was eating with the principal nearly daily and even she told me to not let people knock me down. but the librarian thought she had the right to... as if she had any say in my academics. its funny, the book wasnt even inapropriate for a young mind; just "TOO COMPLEX" fuck anti-intelect and fuck people who think children dont have the right to be smart just because theyre children. they'd feel dumb if they found out i ended up skipping a grade in middle school and graduating highschool at 16.