ramblings of a crazy person

5/10
new page, isn't that crazyyyyyyyyyy???????? yeaaa lolllll ive gotta add more stuff to it. ANYWAYS, dude my brain has been fried..............like straight up, dropped into a pit of HOT OIL without my skull to protect it. my brain is more fried than an HP's motherboard straight out the box, imagine the biggest druggie u know NOT EVEN THEYRE AS FRIED AS ME RIGHT NOW. i got bladee tickets and now im acting crazy. like m going to die if i dont see him today. this combined w me moving across the country = AWFUL its AWFUL. i mean i dont rly feel all that bad but god. god.........god. oh my god. pre concert depression, is that a thing? cause i feel it. anyways.........ive been reading a lot of literature lately, and i somehow still cannot bring myself to become an esoteric mysterious matcha drinker who is well versed in kafka. i mean. i love kafka. but u know the personalityim talking about right. a tumblr user who still somwhow thinks tumblr is too cringe to touch so they have to make it everyone elses problem?????????? yea. and i dont mean to be hateful but i hate those types of people its so fucking manufactured and fake BUT when u think about it EVERYTHING is manufactured and fake
if u think about how you are perceived to others before doing something......fake! its not you... ive been learning to... NOT do that. if someone is mad over something i say that means it made them think. and somehow them thinking makes them angry which i get it, id be angry if i was stupid as fuck and didnt realize that i could literally replace every phillosopher out there. speaking of, i saw a tiktok the other day of "THE DARKEST PHILOSOPHICAL BELIFSSS..." and honest to god it was all stuff i thought of in 1st grade and it stuck with me into adulthood. none of it is even that dark like are you seriously scared of the fact that no one really knows you because even if they dissect your brain they werent you??? you seriously didnt realize that when you were mad at your mom for not letting you get the new cooking mama for the ds game??? are we serious.
oh my god when i was like 12, my dad taught me how to shovel the driveway after a snow storm and i thought he was trying to kill me. im pretty sure i looked him in his face and wished for him to die when he was teeaching me to fend for myself and now i feel like an assshole. even tho im like 20 now. IM 20 IN 3 MONTHS. this is scary.......too serious of an age. and not to do that "23 year old teenage girl" bullshit that we all know and hate but WILL I EVER STOP BEING 16 YEARS OLD????????????????????????????????
my period is soon and i feel like im losing the last of my mind iim not joking. and seeing the clock tick closer to 20 is freaking me out. ever since i was a little girl i knew i wanted to look at 3 months from my birthday and feel the desire to jump off mount olympus in an effort to save myself. saving myself being falling into the sea and falling into a salamander and riding it into the coral reefs to see all the colors. and i feel like not many people understand me. ive been talking to my friend maria a lot and she makes me FEEL SO MUCH MORE SANE IMNOT JOKING like ill wake up with hatred and death brewing in the depths of my soul and she gets it because thats just how it is. as i write this theyre blowing up a fcucking copper mine outside my house right now as if its not 11 pm on a saturday like are we for real right now i have no god damn clue who is reading this probably some psychologist doing a study into the brain of a military brat who is daddy issues coded despite being best friends with her father. i remember when i was younger my friends insisted i had daddy issues because i wanted to fuck rappers double my age. honestly i can confirm its not daddy issues, infact the issue is probably me spending TOO MUCH TIME WITH MY DAD and HES A RAPPER. and finding him the coolest guy in the world. kinda. hes not that good at it bbut its kinda heat SORRY DAD IF U READ THIS. i really hope u wont oh my god DAD if i get famous and someone emails this to U IM SORRY ILY
all that to say i dont have daddy issues and IM TIRED OF THESE FALSE ALLEGATIONS

5/13
as i write this i am in tears. and i think ive finally decided to let you go now. its time for me to accept that you dont see me, you never will see me. and you'd probably be a little bit better off if you dont have to deal with me. our relationship isnt real to anyone who i dont know and idd like to think its real to you but i dont think thats the case :'-)i find myself. very upset by you and i feel really broken lately. i see you together and its like i cant breathe. ive vomited countless hours and ive lost so much sleep over you. i cant do it anymore. of course... i still love you.. but i think it is time for that to change , maybe...i will never be the same again. its been years and youve shaped me right into who i am but whatever the sayinng is... the whole love something set it free........if it doesnt come back it was never yours, or something. love is autonomy.....freeedom of will.. i cant force it. even if i want to . i will let myself free and i will let you aswell its really hard. i want to try more but you seem happy, i guess. you dont smile anymore and you look really depressed. you dont llook as bright as you did and you just seem sad. i hope i kept you warm for atleast a little while. ' i latched to you because i was a traumatized girl who doesnt even know the true meaning of care and love, i think..........i think you taught me how to really care! because even as i decidde this and proceed with a literal ritual,i really...reeally care! ive written you letters and ive drawn for you.....created things for hours at a time just foryou im even writing about you now but you make my heart feel so So sooooooooooooo blue! and a part of me loves that feeling but ive been wishing you dead lately. wishinf youd drop dead. that you both would and of course our past lives.........those were really nice. i wonder if three lives was just too many and now our fourth must be apart? it doesnt sound right. god is so cruel sometimes i hope you remember those lives someday. or something. its evil but part of me deeply hopes the little bit of warrmth you felt from me disipates forever and you feel that coldness again. ive been keeping you warm for years. maybe you just think its from somebody else but its from me.
ive watched you grow from a boy into the man you are!!!!!!!im really. really so very proud of youand. i will still be there cheering you on but not in the way i was going to initally. maybe its best if i dont get close enough to see your face :-) and maybe this is what you need.
im always proud of you...and im very sad. love you . id usually say forever but i hope the fuck not. love you. a little bit or something. dont know. love you. bye.