I HOPE YOU SOMEHOW FOUND THIS AND CLICKED THIS LINK, LETS TALK.
something that you said sticks with me... "graffiti taught me that you can write your name on the wall and express yourself in spaces..." in relation to being shy and that very trait holding you back... i experienced that my whole life and i think i'm writing this because i dont know where to talk about it
and i don't think i can reach you right now... anyway, i realy understand. ive destroyed my own life by being shy :-) I MISSED OUT ON SO MUCH BECAUSE "wehhh im shyyy" I NEEDED TO GET OVER IT SO I DID.
nobody know this but this year is the first year i began to leave my house to do anything but go to the post office or grocery storee
i grew up a very anxious girl OK NOT RLY i became really anxious when i was 10 and i forgot why but i was thinking that my food specifically was being poisioned by
grocery store workers and i only ate processed food and i missed out on being a normal teenager. i didnt go to the mall or hang out with friends, i barely had friends. i think its why i feel closer to your age than to my own.
i was very angsty teenager the "i wear thrasher and listen to soundcloud i dont giv a fuck " type of teenager up until i was 18.
ANYWAYS that matters because along with that i was very very shy even online and it made me invisible to everybody. i dont do grafitti because i'm scared
my form of writing my name on walls is existing and taking up the space i need to exist and creating and shoving it in peoples face lol this entire website is me shoving it in peoples face,
in real life i shove it in peoples face that im here and im just as great if not greater than anyone else. and people like me now. when i was shy people thought i was weird and scary. write name on wall can mean so much it can be.............. smiling at somebody! I SMILE AT EVERYONE AND WRITE MY NAME ON THE WALLS OF THEIR BRAIN. "oh i know u ur the girl with the long black hair" and when iquit my job my boss texted lke "hey theyre asking for the cute girl with the long black hair" and thats ME!
everybody knows "thats alaina" and now i find that spaces tend to feel empty to others when i am not there because i am invisible again when i wasn't prior
I WASNT MADE TO BE INVISBLE I WAS MADE TO BE SEEN I WAS CRAFTED BY GODS HANDS TO BE SEEEEEEEEEEN!
anyway i would like to know what made you shy and what problem it caused for you someday. everything to ever go wrong for me ever was because i was very shy and agreeable and didnt speak even when it hurt.
for me........i became shy maybe when i was 10 because one time i was with a friend and i was like "wait.. i am being too loud.." and i distanced and stop hanging out with her.
i dont know why i did or thought that, random air of self conciousness I GUESS!!!!!! for years id write letters in my room with nowhere to send them and WAIT IM DOING THAT RIGHT NOW
i am almost 20 and you are still 10 years older than me but i wonder if we'd get along better than u think, i was reading an interview of you from like 2014 and another thing i had on my mind was you talking about brands and stuff
I ALSO DONT KNOW WHY I CARE ABOUT BRANDS LOL it makes no sense i was raised humble and to not be materialistic but now that i have big girl money i gotta have it all
and ive gotta show it off and its a side effect of desperately wanting to exist and fit in somewhere. i feel so outcasted sometimes. people love me but i think u get whati mean ppl can love u all they want but the love isnt enough for u to feel it sometimes sometimes u need something DEEEEEEEPER something inehrent u need that 500 dollar sweater because inherently u will be cool and people will hear 500 dollars n be either jealous or think "woww relatable my pants are 600 lol" i never feel jealous when somebody has more than me but i am guilty of taking on the "i am so cool amd better" and then i have to remind myself that the 1k anyone could ahve that its just a 20 hour work week at a shitty retail job lol
what was the worst job you ever had........? mine was the grocery store i used to work at lol i hate my old boss he made me miss your concert SORRY I SWORE ID BE THER.=E.
u playeda really good show tbh like super good i think if i were there id probably stand stone faced in the crowd. U met a close friend of mine and she was really happy :-)
sometimes im sad i wasnt ther but i remember that one day we will meet in a more ideal situation where we can just have a normal ass conversation that isnt about music or fame but like. about art and stuff and id have an easier time not fangirling tf out if i meet u at fuckimggg i dont knw starbucks. cuz ur already human to me ur probably more human to me than anyone else is but itd be cool to stand behind you at starbucks. haave u tried the oatmilk shaken espresso its great.
ur probably reading this andthinking "HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIT WHEN WILL THIS BITCH SHUT UP AND STOP TRAILING OFF" it's my charm point. but heres my next point:
i think even if i hung out with famous ppl and stuff i wouldnt be famous in turn i think id just be there and id be normal human and id treat famous people... normal human.
we are all...............normal human, and i still obsess over normal humans and i dont know why i think everybody and everything is interesting i must know more and i become obsessed with it. i used to want to be a scientist as a kid which is something nobody knows i think you are the first person i tell .
or people. I think maybe somebody else will stumble across this.
awkward.
i have facial blindness and bad hearing i think if we ran into eachother i wouldnt even know it was you id just think you look nice enough and talk to you about something random like what i do to EVERYBODY god seriously whenever i go out i cant stop myself frm talking to people i crave information i need to know what random old ladies are doing today and completely disrupt their day and also give them gifts I LOVE TO GIVE OUT GIFTS i make little hair clips and i give them to people randomly sometimes and i like to make everybody smile even if they foget about me just as fast as they met me,
...OH did u see that the groundhog saw its shadow ? six more weeks of winter but its been longer than six weeks i think, but flowers are still blooming JUST LIKE MY CARE FOR YOU! isnt that cute and sweet. No its corny and dumb, But what is life and love and care and feelings if not a bit corny and dumb ? YA EXACTLY we're all corny its what being a person is. what is your favorite flower or blooming tree?there are a lot of plum blossoms around here.
^^^ u know what they are maybe but these. if i were a flowering tree i would be one of these. i think you would be bartlett pear tree
^^^ these! they grow pears but also bloom really nice beautiful flowers. you would be one of those. not an apple tree i think you're like a pear. not quite crunchy but hard to cut
anyways. i hope u are having a good day. cause its early in the day for u as i type this and late for me AND GOD I CANT SLEEP OR STAY ASLEEP i know you probsbly have nights like that.
hope we can strike up email correspondance and talk together! i promise not to like publicize itthatd be weird Lets talk me & you ::)
MUCH LOVE AND VISIBILITY AND CARE - ALAINA
